It amazes me that so many people still hold back. I understand being hurt. I feel pain. I know fear. But, I also remember how beautiful being in love can be. Do I want to grow old and be lonely, looking back and wishing that I'd done things differently? No, I don't! I have enough regrets in this life already. I'm doing my best to no longer add to them. I want to live now. I want to be happy. I want to love and be loved.
I don't NEED to fall in love right this moment. I'm not even sure that I'm ready. But, I don't want to turn away from it when it's presented to me, either. I know that there is something wonderful waiting for me to be ready to receive it. (I hope) I'll know when it's meant to be for me.
I have a history of falling too hard. Maybe that's why the whole dating thing makes me so nervous. When I fall, it's a forever kind of love. It's real and I give myself to it completely and wholly. I realize now that not every relationship is meant to be forever. Some are mere lessons to get us ready for our "forever" when it arrives. Unfortunately, some people are so hung up on the pain of the ones that weren't meant to be, that they miss out on so many beautiful things standing right in front of them. It's sad, really. I don't want to be that person.
It's sad to think of all the people that never take chances. The ones that sit so long on a decision because their scared of making the wrong choice that eventually, the choice is made for them. Kind of like the shy boy that is too scared to ask the pretty girl out. By asking, she MIGHT say "yes". By not asking, the answer is always "no". They don't realize that at least by making some kind of move they have a real opportunity for it to be the right one. By making no move at all, the options don't even exist.
I want to take my time getting to know someone who will also WANT to get to know the real me. I want to be real friends. Best friends. Friends that share secrets and memories - both ways! I want to laugh together and feel comfortable enough to always just be myself no matter what the situation. I want to be appreciated for what I give because I enjoy giving and love making someone happy. I want to savor the taste of that first sweet kiss. I want to have my breath taken away by the first brush of his hand against mine. I want to feel SAFE in his arms. I want to see truth and love in his eyes. I want to hear respect and tenderness in his voice.
I need him to communicate honestly with me even when words are impossible to find. I need us to find our own way to show each other what we're needing, thinking, feeling, wanting. I need for us to learn from each other. I need to be important to him. I need him to allow me to love him and trust him.
I would love to be the first one that he thinks of to share his day with. If something good happens, I would be happy for him... and, proud. I would hope he'd do the same for me. If something is upsetting him, I would try to help him in whatever way he needs me to... even if all I can do is TRY or at the very least tell him how much I wish I could make it better. I would hope he'd do the same for me. I would love for him to embrace our differences. I think it's great that we're not all alike. We become our own support group and are able to learn from each other. We share our strengths and weaknesses as a team while creating our own new dreams and goals together.
And, when it happens, I want it to be open... no dirty little secrets... just open affection accepted both ways. I love letting someone know what they mean to me. I love putting a smile on his face to help him through the day. I love letting him know that I'm thinking of him. I don't want to feel like I'm annoying him in some way by trying to do something special for him. Maybe, just maybe, he could once in a while try to do something special for me, too.
And, even once I find this love... I want us both to do our part to keep it alive and fun and fulfilling. People change and relationships change... we just have to remember to grow with it.
One day. Some day. But, not now. And, that's okay. I'll wait. Because I know it will be worth it... whoever and whenever it is.
The process of combining two lives can be tricky, but you have to give yourself room to at least try -- and even more room to make mistakes. Believe it or not, mistakes are necessary to building a relationship.