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Nov. 15th, 2009

(no subject)

mood: Proud

I stand for truth, doing the right thing, learning from mistakes and bad decisions, compassion, patriotism, being the best friend I can, doing the best job possible, being responsible and dependable, and unwavering loyalty.
I believe in honesty, friendship, true love, the commitment of two hearts becoming one, marriage, vows, and forever.
I think that differences are a good thing and disagreements can teach us, perfection is overrated, we should all dance even if it's only in our own living rooms, bubble baths and sweet smelling candles are meant for two and can cure most problems, love comes in many different forms and all are equally important and special, and everyone deserves love and happiness.
I feel that God has a fantastic plan for each of us, we are exactly where we should be at every single moment in our lives, we all possess special gifts in each of us that are meant to be shared with others in a helping way and it's our responsibility to learn what they are, and love should be shared with others even if not reciprocated.
I hear the most beautiful sounds in the world when my children are laughing, rain is hitting a tin roof, the sound of ocean waves are crashing into the shore late at night, crickets are chirping, a screen door slams as children run in and out, a porch swing creeks, a Harley revs up, the crowd cheers a homerun or touchdown, and music plays.
I see the most wondrous sights imaginable when my kids and family smile, lightnin' bugs are dancing at dusk, flames dance in a fireplace, the sun rises over the mountains while watching from a hay loft, the sun sets on the horizon of the beach or while watching from a rocker on the front porch, and being hypnotized by waterfalls.
I taste nothing but delicious with CHOCOLATE, Amaretto Disarrona, Coca Cola, my mom's pork roast, and slow sweet passionate kisses.
I smell the sweetest aromas from Honeysuckle, bacon frying, freshly mowed grass or hay, summer rains, salt air at the beach, Gardenias, orange blossoms, exhaust from a motorcycle, a campfire, certain men's cologne, and my babies right after they'd had a bath.
I know that we are all blessed with many little miracles that we take for granted each and every day and we should try harder to appreciate those blessings more often, and life is made up of choices to make - right ones to be celebrated and wrong ones to be lessons.
I stand for people speaking up, speaking out, and speaking for those who can't speak for themselves, making the best of and seeing the positive in every situation, seeing that everyone is capable of good or bad, knowing that good can come even from the worst of things, realizing we're never too old to learn or change or grow, and living life as the most precious gift we'll ever receive.

Posted at 03:00 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 11th, 2009

Whispers

mood: artistic

Whispers in the darkness
From a lonely heart
Tales of a Princess
In a fairy tale part
Dreams of love abound
Where restless winds are found
Wanting, needing, aching
For one last chance
Asking, begging, praying
To join life's beautiful dance
Of hearts full of love and smiles
Kinder words in a gentler style
The warmth of a hand
As it embraces mine
Knowing that it can
Somehow erase the time
That's been sadly wasted away
And, turn it into a brand new, beautiful day

Posted at 12:15 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Oct. 14th, 2009

Fire

mood: exhausted


I've been a cleaning fool lately, scrubbing my house from ceiling to floor and washing everything in between.  I had just finished the last room of the house and was feeling proud, but exhausted.  I started to go to bed, then realized I was starving from not eating all day because I had been so busy.  Went to the kitchen and decided to cook some french fries.  I put on the pot of oil to heat up.  Then, did the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life.  I ran back here to my office (for what, I can't even remember now).  I heard grease popping and before I could even get back to the kitchen, I could see flames.  I grabbed the extinguisher and by the time I was inside the kitchen, I could no longer see through the smoke... just the glow of the flames shooting from the pot and the stove burner up to the cabinet and ceiling.  The smoke alarm hadn't even gone off yet.  I was screaming for my family to get out of the house.  We luckily sleep with our doors closed.  That makes it hard to hear what's going on in the rest of the house, yet it's probably what saved their lives by not having them already breathing in the toxic fumes.  The lights went out.  I was able to get the fire out enough to move the pot off the burner.  How I didn't burn myself, I have no idea.  Flames shot up again and after getting them out a second time I was making my way to the door once my family was awake from the smoke alarm and on their way out, too.  I couldn't breathe.  I couldn't see.  David went back to check and a few flames had kicked back up.  He was able to get them out completely and the fire was completely gone.  Then, we remembered Rupert, the dog, was still inside.  He's usually right next to Zach, my 9 year old, the entire time.  But, last night, he slept in my Mom's room with her and the dog was in his room.  David, my 19 year old son, went in after him.  But, as soon as he opened Zach's door, the dog was so freaked out by the alarm, the smoke, and the darkness, that he took off running through the house.  We couldn't see or breathe to go in after him.  I assured a very upset little boy that the dog was small enough and low enough to the ground that he was getting the only good air in the house to breathe and would be okay.  I prayed he would be okay.  That dog has been a Godsend to my son this year with so much going on and so many changes in his little life.  He and the dog love each other so very much.  I just knew if something happened to the dog, he wouldn't be able to handle it.  David asked if the alarms would send the fire department.  Ummm, not since we had to give up that service a while ago because we could no longer afford it.  I reached in my pocket for my cell phone where it had been all day, only to realize that I'd taken it out only minutes before heading to the kitchen.  My mom went in and grabbed the phone.  I called 911.  Then, I called my ex, Mike, to come get Zach so he wouldn't have to be there with everything going on and I wasn't sure how long we'd have to be outside.  I also didn't want him breathing in any more of the fumes than absolutely necessary.  We ended up with 6 trucks at our house with ambulances and cop cars lining the entire street.  They geared up and grabbed the hoses like they were going into a warehouse fire.  They kept asking if everyone was out and okay, but we kept telling them the dog was still inside.  The paramedics were tending to me, pushing me to go to the hospital because I was choking and having trouble breathing and couldn't stop coughing.  My throat was burning so bad.  Zach looked scared as soon as they mentioned taking me to the hospital.  I kept telling him I was fine and telling them I didn't want to go.  They kept pushing for me to go to the ER and I finally said I had to wait for Zach's father to get there for him.  My mom called Mike and asked where he was because they were wanting to take me in the ambulance and I wouldn't go until he could get Zach.  He was turning on the street.  Seeing that many trucks, etc., freaked him out pretty bad.  As soon as he pulled up, they were putting me on a stretcher.  Zach started crying.  I made them STOP so I could hug him and reassure him that I was going to be fine and that all they were going to do was help me stop coughing, and that he didn't have to go to school that day.  Once he was fine, we headed to the hospital with breathing treatments started in the ambulance.  At the hospital, I made them bring me a phone so I could call and check on everyone.  They still hadn't found the dog.  They were airing out the house and every firefighter and deputy was searching for him, but hadn't found him yet.  My heart sank.  I had no idea if he'd still be alive.  After some medicine and another breathing treatment, I called again and got the great news that they had found Rupert and he was fine.  What a smart little dog he was.  He had run all the way back to hide under my bed.  He was the furthest point in the house AWAY from the fire.  Smart dog.  David found him and took him to Zach and they both went nuts hugging on each other.  (Yes, this little dog HUGS Zachary.)  Whew!!!!!!!!!!!  What a relief.

Mike picked me up from the ER and when I got home to see the damage, my heart just broke into a million pieces.  I hugged, kissed and apologized to both my sons and my mom.  I was so thankful they were okay and that the house was damaged, but still there. 

My mom and I have been cleaning ALL DAY again... doing every room over that I had just finished cleaning.  I just kept telling myself that it could've been worse.  I have no stove.  The cabinets are burnt.  The ceiling is burnt.  The lights are melted and some of the electrical is fried.  The range hood and exhaust is all but gone.  There was soot in every single room of the house.  My mom started washing anything cloth that would fit into the washer and I started washing down walls, shelves, glass and nik-naks again.  When Mike brought Zach home tonight, he disconnected the stove and moved it out to the band room and took down the melted lights so that he could get the electric back on for me in the kitchen.  (It was quite tricky working with just extension cords running lamps in there to see.)  There still a whole side of the kitchen that we can't clean until an adjuster comes out to see it, but we got so much more done today than I thought we ever could.  I'm a day behind schedule and I'm picking up friends from the airport Friday morning.  But, I'll get it done somehow.  Some way.  I'll work with a microwave, toaster oven, and grill.  We'll figure it out as we go along.  The house still smells like smoke and will for some time I'm told.  But, it's getting clean again.  I won't be able to get the yardwork done that I wanted to, but it's okay.  I'm not going to stress about it.

I'm thankful.  Exhausted.  Still shaky.  Still having crying fits.  But, I'm so very, very thankful.  My family is safe.  They're okay.  They're still here with me and I'm still here with them.  And, I get to spend time with wonderful friends this weekend.  I have no idea how I didn't get burned myself.  I have no idea how the ceiling and the rest of the kitchen didn't catch on fire.  I have no idea how that little bitty fire extinguisher put it all out with just a few flames for my son to knock out with a towel.  I have no idea how the glass in the cabinets didn't break and the plastic bowls, etc. didn't melt.  Oh, and the plastic bag of fries sitting right beside the stove... still cold without even the plastic bag being melted... but, thrown away, of course.  I have no idea why we all didn't suffer more smoke inhalation from the toxic fumes.  I have no idea how the dog made it to my room and remained safe for hours until he was found.  All I know is it was a traumatic experience for us all... and, we're all thankful for all the little miracles we were given last night.

My mom has been a TREMENDOUS help to me through this... supportive and helping me with getting everything cleaned up and back in order again.  My son, David, is my hero for acting so bravely and thinking so quickly to help, and for finding Rupert, the dog.  My son, Zachary, is so very precious for showing courage even though he was so terribly frightened and worried.  To them, I am so sorry that they had to go through this.  My ex, Mike, has been helpful with Zach and with coming to get me at the hospital, along with getting the stove out and having the lights working again.  My friends have been compassionate, supportive, and loving.  Thank you all.  I love you all so much for always being there for me, even through the darkest and scariest of times.

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Oct. 12th, 2009

Life's Lessons

mood: Reflective

I'm amazed at the lessons I've learned in just one year's time.  Just goes to show you're never too old to learn something new... and, I've embraced these new life lessons eagerly.
 
I've learned that I want to LIVE.  I want to feel "alive" every single day.  I've had several near-death experiences that has taught me this over and over.  Yet, I never fully acted on it.  I was always willing to let someone else control my living.  I'm no longer willing to do that.  I want to cherish each and every breath I take because I know all too well how quickly that breath can be taken from me, or someone I care about.
 
I've learned that friendships can be the best "support group" you'll ever need.  My friends have become my lifeline.  They are full of compassion and encouragement that I didn't even realize I needed so much.
 
I've learned that no matter how much I believe in marriage and family, that sometimes it's just not right to stay in a situation where no one is as happy as they should be.  I don't think that just because it doesn't work as a marriage, it can't work as a friendship.  It's important to hold close to your heart ALL the relationships that have mattered in your life.  Just because you can't live with someone doesn't mean you can't still love them and care about their happiness, especially when you have children that you want to see a "healthy" relationship between their parents.  Sometimes it takes one to keep hanging on to faith that the other will see this as important as well.
 
I've learned that being alone doesn't necessarily mean being lonely.  There are many things I long for... holding hands... soft, sweet kisses turning into frenzied, passionate kisses... strong arms holding me as a gentle voice whispers in my ear with warm breath on my neck.  But, being alone can be very good for the soul, especially during transition.  It can remind you of your strengths and show you that you're made of so much more than you've ever realized before.  The ending of one relationship can only be fully recovered from by going through the entire range of emotions (over and over) without distractions of jumping into a new relationship so quickly.
 
I've learned that the sudden death of an important person in your life can bring new lessons to light.  The loss of someone dear to you can be devastating, yet the life of that person should be celebrated and appreciated for everything that it was.
 
I've learned the loss of employment can be a frightening and life-altering experience.  Yet, even as I'm most depressed about the uncertainty of my future, I choose to look at it as an opportunity for something greater.
 
I've learned that I possess a beautiful gift... my intuition.  When I trust it most and follow it completely, it never leads me to a bad place.  I'm learning to rely on it so much more.  When I've followed my heart... my gut... my intuition... whatever you'd like to call it... it's never been wrong.
 
I've also been reminded of lessons learned and forgotten.  Everything that happens in our lives serves a purpose.  Even the most tragic events are necessary to propel us into the direction we're meant to go next.  Every single moment of our lives, we are exactly where we are meant to be.  Everything that's happened to us in all our yesterdays is mere preparation for today... with everything happening to us today as preparation for all our tomorrows.  I fully believe that God only gives us what he knows we can handle.  So, if you've been through a lot of hard times in your life... it's only because he knows you're strong enough to endure them.  The hardships we endure help us to recognize and appreciate the good things.  We become who we are by "surviving".  I am a survivor.  I am a fighter.  I will NEVER give up.  And, I know that I will always flourish and grow because of those things.  I know that we are brought together by similarities, yet we learn most from our differences.  I know that it's okay to disagree, yet necessary to still understand the other's point of view.  I know that we ALL have flaws of character, personality, and emotions.  It's what keeps us striving to do better... to become more than we are right now.  We are all important.  We are all meaningful.  We are all necessary.  We should always look out for each other as human beings... people... plain and simple.  Everything else is secondary.  I love that we're all "different" in some way or another.  It's what makes each of us interesting and worth the time to get to know.
 
I've also learned a great deal of patience.  I've learned that sometimes, you have to just wait.  Whether it's waiting on another person to realize on their own what you already know... or waiting for him/her to feel strong enough to act on it.  I've learned that while I'm normally a very "impatient" person by nature, I can become very patient when I KNOW what it is I'm waiting for.  The NOT knowing is what still drives me crazy.  I know that pain can make you very cautious and frightened.  But, under no circumstances should you ever allow past pain to keep you from future happiness.  I know that holding onto that pain... not allowing someone to break down the walls you've built up so high around you... can only cause further pain.  Everything in our lives is a choice.  We have to choose to be happy.  We have to choose to allow ourselves to be loved.  It's only by taking "chances" that we ever achieve any goal we set... including happiness and love.
 
I've been reminded of the fact that we can be drawn together by passion... yet only remain together as the truest of friends.  Without the "friendship", passion cannot grow.  Friendship cannot grow without trust.  Trust cannot be gained without taking the risk of opening up your heart.  It all begins with being honest with yourself first so that you can then open up honestly to someone else.  Courage is not the absence of fear... courage is acting even in the presence of fear.  Life is much too short to lose ourselves in our fears.  We must act with courage in order to move forward.  Moving forward is the only acceptable option available.  We all can move at different speeds... and, even adapt as we go along.  I can take something as slowly as necessary for someone, or I can run with it as fast as allowed.  Even then, there are times when adjustment is needed for different circumstances.  However, progress can never be made by moving backward and is NEVER an option... ONLY forward.
 
I've learned that there are times when we just need to step away from a situation to let it take care of itself.  There ARE things we cannot change.  Those things should be put in the hands of your faith.  You then allow yourself to refocus and regroup.  It's only then that you can see the situation for what it really is and not what you would like it to be. 
 
I've learned that love can happen in so many different forms and all are equally as important.  Some can be very confusing.  Some can be undeniably electric.  Some can be both.  No matter what the type of love is, you should never keep it to yourself.  It would break my heart in two if someone I love never knew how much I cared.  Even if the "love" is not reciprocated, it should always be given.  Real love is never only for those who love us in  return.  It's important to share it even when it's not given back.  Everyone deserves to know that they are cared about in some way.  It's what keeps us thriving.
 
 
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Jul. 6th, 2009

So Confused...

mood: confused

Have you ever been so certain of the end result of a particular situation in your life... yet, have no clue how you'll end up there?  It's very frustrating.  I know this something has an amazing outcome and I'm more than willing to wait for it because I know in my heart above all else that it will be worth it.  I just don't know how we get there.  I mean... I'm not sure if I'm supposed to just be patient and see what happens on the other end... or, if I should take things into my own hands and move things forward myself. 
 
Here's my dilemma.  If I just sit and wait, what if he takes that as me not wanting it?  If I try to push things along, it may scare him into pulling away completely.  I'm so confused right now that my head is spinning and my heart is aching.  I know how I feel... I know that he cares, but not sure just how much and if it's on the same level as me.  You see my frustration.  Either way could jeopardize the relationship.  I can be so extremely patient when I KNOW what's going on.  My problem is that the NOT knowing drives me insane.  I could wait forever if I knew what was in his heart.  It's not necessarily that I need for him to GIVE more at this time... I guess I just need to know where his head is at.  I would never ask him to do anything he's not ready for.
 
No matter what he feels or thinks... I care for him deeply and want nothing but happiness for him.  He's a wonderful man with so much to give.  He deserves someone that will fill his heart with love and put nothing but smiles on his face every single day.  He is truly special in every way.  Am I being selfish to want to be that woman?  Maybe so.  But, I can't help it.  I want to be his girl.  I want to know everything about him.  I want to know everything in his life that has contributed to him becoming this beautiful man that he is today.  I want to share his secrets and trust him with mine.  I want to be his best friend.  He has no idea how big a part of my life he is.  I could talk to this man non-stop day and night.  He's always on my mind.  And, I miss him so very much when we're unable to keep in touch.  I wonder constantly if he thinks of me... or misses me.
 
Now, if he were only this obsessed with me.  :D
 
So in my confusion... I continue to wait.  Because if nothing else, I LOVE what we do have... even if I want more... I'm terrified of losing him completely.  I guess with anything there comes a time when waiting, or doing nothing, feels useless.  I guess when that time comes, one of us will be forced to make a decision.  But, I'm still holding out hope that it doesn't have to be like that.

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Jun. 25th, 2009

I wonder...

mood: curious
I wonder...
    ... what is so wrong with combining reality with fantasy?  I wonder if it's the fear of getting hurt?  I wonder if it's the fear of the reality not living up to the fantasy?  I wonder if it's the fear of losing "control" of how it plays out?
 
What if...
    ... the reality is better than the fantasy?  What if what's real in your heart is so strong that the fantasy could never live up the reality?  What if it turns out that the fantasy was real all along?  What if you used that "control" to make the reality exactly what you want it to be?
 
On one hand, I believe that beautiful things happen for us when we just sit back and ALLOW them to happen... and, usually when we least expect them to come along.  On the other hand, I also believe that our "destinies" are riddled with choices.  Each choice can take us down a very different path in our lives and it is up to us to make wise choices now for a more bountiful and solid future.
 
So, while I truly feel that every moment of our lives we are exactly where we are meant to be... it's up to us in how we treat those moments in order to carry us forward to an even better place on our next turn in the path.

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May. 17th, 2009

If...

mood: curious

 
If I say I love you
will you turn away?
Will you stand in silence
with nothing to say?
 
If I say I need you
will you comfort me?
Will we lay together
in harmony?
 
If I say that I want you
will you want me too?
Or push me aside
as I'm reaching for you?
 
If we could be together
would you take my hand
against the world
making our stand?
 
If I never spoke a word
would you know how I feel?
Would you hear in my heart
the emotion is real?
 
If you looked into my eyes
just once, you would see
how big a part of me
you've grown to be.
 
If you let go of your fear
and trust one more time
a heart full of love
is what you would find.
 
If you don't take a chance
just remember this
you'll always wonder
what you've missed.
 
If I have to wait
that's what I'll do
to find out what happens
if I say I love you.

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May. 6th, 2009

Is It Possible?

mood: indescribable

 
Is it possible to care so deeply for someone that it doesn't even matter that you have yet to meet face-to-face?  Is it possible for that emotion to be just as real as if for someone that has been in your life for years?  Is it possible for that feeling to grow enough to take you through a long-lasting real life relationship?
 
If you had asked me any of those questions a year ago........ my answer would have been, "of course not".  I had heard of people meeting online and getting married, but I thought they must be nuts.  My brother met my sister-in-law online, but I believed they must surely be the exception.  And, now my son has met a wonderful girl that he's been talking to a year online.  It's absolutely wonderful to see him so incredibly happy.  It makes me smile just thinking of the two of them together and all they've been through to get to this point.  But, still......... exceptions, not the general rule.
 
Yet, I made some online friends that I grew to care about so indescribably.  I loved them so dearly.  They became a part of my real life and my heart.  We had gone through quite a bit together in just months.  We had shared more with each other than even some of my friends I'd known in my life for several years.  I began to understand that relationships are built on honesty and trust, compassion and laughter .... not the places that you go together ....... not how much time you spend "together" ....... not worrying about how you look or how they look.  It's all in how you communicate.  If you communicate openly and honestly....... and follow your heart (or gut or instinct or however you want to say it)........ you can't help but get to know each other in a very real way. 
 
I've also learned that it doesn't really matter much what the topic of conversation is....... as long as it's honest.  When you're relying on nothing but words on the computer screen, you have no choice but to "communicate".  I always thought that everyone online must be either hiding something or just not being themselves in a real way.  They're probably lying about this or that.  And, then......... I met a whole group of my online friends.  They turned out to be so very REAL.  They were exactly as I pictured them to be and acted precisely as I expected them to.  They were, in fact, how they portrayed themselves to be online.  It was such a refreshing experience.  I loved them even more.  I am still on a high of getting to spend time with them.  I miss them. 
 
So, my answers now to those questions are, "ABSOLUTELY YES".
 
Maybe there are still people who don't portray themselves honestly, but I sure didn't meet any of them.  I have, however met a person or two outside of this group that were not as they seemed online.  That's okay.  Exceptions....... right?
 
I also know a person online that I have not met yet face-to-face.  There are many different feelings and emotions wrapped around this person.  This person has had a couple bad experiences, too.  Those bad experiences have ruined it for ME.  This person is now scared of things not being as they are online.  I totally understand this....... I'm scared, too.  And, believe me...... what I have with this person is not something I want to lose at any cost.  But, I also have another fear.  What if....... just what if.......... it would be BETTER after we meet?  Yet, we never know because we were too scared to take the chance.  What we have is worth fighting for no matter how much I wonder what it might be like to have more.  And, still........... I wonder.  Is it possible to hang on to what we now have even if we moved further ahead and it didn't work out?  I know that I could........ but, I don't know if this person could.  I don't know that this person would even want to.  What I do know is this:  It doesn't matter what I want if this person is uncomfortable or not ready for it.  I also know that this person means enough to me that my biggest of fears is losing this person altogether.  This person makes me happy in ways that I can't even explain.  This person is special enough that I am completely happy just following this person's lead.  If there ever comes a time when this person feels comfortable enough to want more...... I'm here.  If not and we continue what we have......... I'm still here.
 
So, is it possible to care for someone so deeply?  Yes, it is.

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Mar. 15th, 2009

Jake Green music video

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Mar. 5th, 2009

Falling

mood: romantic


Current mood:  romantic
Category: Romance and Relationships
 
"What are you looking for in a man?" is a question I hear frequently these days.  My answer is always the same.  I'm not LOOKING for anything.  I don't think you should look.  I've talked about this in "Relationships... Part 1" in my notes.  The reality of it is you don't get to choose who you fall in love with or who falls in love with you.  And, maybe I love too deeply or too unconditionally.  Besides, "falling in love" is not something you DO, but something that HAPPENS.  Maybe it's safest for me to not let myself be put in the situations where it might happen to me.  Because when I fall... it's hard.... it's a forever kind of love.

Then I was asked "What would make you fall?"  Hmmm... a much more interesting question.  Mostly, I think it would be the little things that would make my heart melt.  But, there are a few biggies.

Probably the biggest of all would be that he not only accept my children, but love them as if they were his own.  It's so easy for people to adopt a child from a complete stranger and never even question so deeply loving that child as if they had given birth themselves.  Shouldn't it be even easier to love a child like that if they belong to someone that you already love?  I don't get the whole stepmom/stepdad thing.  Why can't we just be a family?  So what if the kids end up with two sets of parents?  Just more love for the kids.  And, isn't that something we'd all wish for our children... more love.

Another biggie would be him believing in God.  I'm very spiritual... maybe not very religious, but definitely spiritual.  I was born into a Baptist family with a huge mixture of Methodist, Protestant, Presbyterian, Seventh Day Adventist, Jewish, and Pentecostal.  Yeah, pretty much everything.  I have a great tolerance and acceptance for a lot of different beliefs and don't think that the ONLY place to worship is church.  While I believe you should take pride in your faith (any faith that brings about a desire for you to better yourself is a positive thing), we shouldn't get so caught up in which religion we are that we lose sight of the most important part of it... GOD.  Most of us are praying to the same God.

Another important one would be his patriotism.  I come from a long line of military men in my family.  I was taught very early on what the flag stands for and how to respect it and those who serve to protect it.

Final big one... honesty.  No explanation needed.  Really.

After those, it's really the little things that I think would make me lose my grip and fall.  How great it would be if he was having a terrific day and I was the first person he thought of to share it with.  And, if I'm having a great day, how nice for him to be pleased for me.  What about him having a bad day and feeling like I'm the one person who can make it better?  Even if I can't help, can't he feel better just knowing how much I want to try?  And, when it's my bad day, if he can't do anything but listen or take my hand... Wow... that can be enough.  What if no matter how old I get he still refers to me as his girl?  Or gives me a wink from across the room just because I looked up and caught him staring at me?  What a sexy feeling it would give me if he walked up behind me and slid his arms around my waist and gave a little kiss on my neck just because he can't keep his hands off of me.  How safe I would feel if he stood up for me even though he knows I can take care of myself, but thinks I shouldn't always have to.  Too cool would it be to have him sing along with me to the radio or just scoop me into his arms to dance in the kitchen... or on the back porch... or wherever.  His hand on the small of my back as he opens the door for us; the smile on his face after a "just because" kiss I give him; how his face lights up when he talks about his kids; the look in his eyes showing me he's happy to see me; doing some silly thing just to be goofy and make me smile or laugh when he knows I need it most; sharing memories and pieces of his life with me; knowing he can trust me with his deepest, darkest secrets without fear of judgment; calling in the middle of the day to flirt just to hear my voice... all little things individually, yet rare and so extremely important. 

To think even for a moment he could see forever in my eyes... All of this... Any of this... could make me fall into a "Always and Forever" kind of love.

Posted at 10:15 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Atlanta P.T.



Current mood:sad but thankful
Category: Friends
Sometimes things in life happen very abruptly.  Someone entering your life... someone leaving it.

 I was blessed by someone coming into my life January 6th of this year.  He became a very special friend to me very quickly.  He easily makes me feel very good about myself and decisions I face on my own.  He reminds me that I'm strong.  He shows me I'm beautiful in many different ways.  He gives me confidence to feel sexy even at my worst or most vulnerable. 

I'm typically an open and honest person, but somehow he's able to bring out even more of me than I would normally be comfortable giving.  This man makes me WANT to be a better person.

He listens when I need to vent... gives advice when I need to hear it... and always, always, always shares a smile or a laugh with me.  He speaks to me like I am important... like I deserve respect... and like my emotions and desires matter.  He has a way of saying all the right things at just the perfect moment.  I've come to look forward to talking to him each day. 

I only wish there was a way to let him know just how much he's done for me.  He helps me in ways I'm sure he doesn't even realize and I'm truly grateful for each and every single moment of our friendship.  I sincerely appreciate everything he's given to me of himself and can only hope that I've given him something good in return.  I miss him more than I care to admit right now... certainly much more than I want to.

P.T. in Atlanta - Thank you for being.... YOU!

Posted at 10:13 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Relationship... Part 2



Current mood:  virginal
Category: Romance and Relationships
I've been thinking a lot about relationships recently.  I'm not sure the "dating scene" is all it's cracked up to be for several reasons.  I love meeting different people and making new friends.  However, some people are rarely completely honest when you first meet them (and some... never are).  It's impossible to truly get to know someone if they're not really being truthful.  Men (and some women) tend to get caught up in TRYING to impress the other, which to me, is a complete turn-off.  It's the LEAST impressive thing you can do.  I think the MOST impressive thing about a person is them feeling confident enough and comfortable enough to just be themselves.  We all have different sides to our personalities.  Let them show.  Sometimes I want a serious conversation..... sometimes I just want to be playful, or silly, or goofy.  Sometimes I want to share every thought and opinion I have (which means I feel EXTREMELY comfortable)..... sometimes I just want to listen to see how much is willing to be shared WITH ME.  Just be YOURSELF. 
 
I hear people discussing WHERE they went on their date.  Who cares?  To some it's important to show off or be romantic right from the start.  They end up feeling nervous and awkward.  Shouldn't you be doing something that makes you feel comfortable so you can just be YOU?  Do something fun.  Go to a ball game... comedy club... a concert... play putt-putt... whatever makes you feel comfortable.  Dare to be different.  If it's something the other person is unfamiliar with...... teach him/her about it.  If he/she doesn't like it, they never have to do it again.  If he/she does like it, that's one more thing you now have in common to share as an activity.  To me, it's so much more romantic to do something fun with someone you enjoy being with than the fanciest dinner in the most expensive restaurant in town.  But, that's just me.  I also happen to think that a "romantic" dinner and move is sitting barefoot on the living room floor at the coffee table eating take-out and then popping in a DVD to snuggle up on the couch together.   
 
Going out to different or new places can be fun if experienced with the right person.  Staying at home and doing nothing can also be fun with the right person.  I'm happy having a home that everyone feels comfortable visiting.  I've had a home like that since I was a kid.  Family and friends alike always congregated to our house.  It was great.  As I got older and had children of my own, it was even better.  I love knowing where my kids are, who they're with, and that they're in a safe environment as they spend time with their friends.  I thoroughly enjoy having family and friends over to just sit and talk, play games, jam, do karaoke, watch a move... whatever. 
 
I guess it's all in who you're with more than what you're doing or where you're at that really matters.  The right person can make any situation fun, romantic, and just plain enjoyable.

Posted at 10:12 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

The Three



Current mood:  exotic
Category: Romance and Relationships
There are so many different ways of having sex.  However, I've narrowed it down to only three MAIN categories.  All are equally enjoyable and important in any relationship.  The crucial part comes in knowing the difference between the three.
 
One is MAKING LOVE - Making love is passionate intimacy........ or intimate passion.  It is pure emotion.  It is showing someone everything you feel for them without ever having to say a word.  Therefore, you can never truly make love to someone that you are not truly in love with.  It's not just going "slow" or being more gentle or tender.  It's all emotion... only emotion... which can be expressed in many different ways.  It's eye contact.  It's kissing.  It's deliberate touching.  It's everything all together.  And, it can NEVER be faked.
 
The second is JUST SEX - Sex is purely physical.  Emotion is not required.  It's satisfying a physical need only.  Being intimately attracted to or attached to the other person is not even necessary.  It's doing what your body is craving without needing emotional satisfaction.
 
The third is WILD ANIMAL F*CK*NG - This is a combination of the two above.  It's having a physical attraction so strongly that you just want to get crazy and go wild.  Yet, you have a deep enough emotional attachment to the person that you know there is a trust between the two of you that allows you to get crazy and go wild without fear. 

Posted at 10:09 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Relationship... Part 1

mood: contemplative


Current mood:  contemplative
Category: Romance and Relationships
 
I often hear people talking about what they are "looking for" in a soul mate.  First of all, let me just say that I don't believe in "looking for" someone to fall in love with.  It's not something you DO, it's something that HAPPENS.  You don't get to choose who you fall in love with or who falls in love with you.  (And, if you do get to choose then I have a list... LOL.)  Second of all, once you start "looking", you start to raise your expectations so high that all of a sudden you're expecting to find this perfect person that one, doesn't exist and two, if they did you'd never be happy with them because you'd be bored out of your mind by the perfection.  Our imperfections, or flaws, keep us interesting.  It's what keeps us motivated to continue to learn and to better ourselves as human beings. 
 
It's okay to be different.  It's normal to disagree.  You would never want to be with someone who mirrors your every thought and opinion, would you?  How boring would that be?  I believe that in any relationship... friends, lovers, relatives, spouses, etc.... you are meant to learn from and teach each other.  There are things that we receive from each person in our lives that helps us in some way....... sometimes even to become who we are to some degree.  I like different.  Having things in common is crucial to the survival of the relationship, but I think differences can be just as important.  Disagreeing does not always have to lead to arguments.  If we put forth the effort to LISTEN to each other, we can learn a great deal from each other's thoughts and opinions and beliefs.  It takes much less energy to listen to the other person and try to understand than turning the disagreement into a knock-down, drag-out, name-calling, screaming match until someone stomps off pouting.  If you can "understand" where the other person is coming from you can then "learn" and maybe even see that the other person has a completely valid point.... And, even if you continue to not see eye-to-eye, you can still respect each other's views.  It's also not a sign of weakness to admit that the other person feels more strongly about their view than you do yours and agree to try it their way......... If their way doesn't work, you can then try it yours.  I feel that it is important for our children to see us disagree.  We teach them tolerance through our own dealings with this.  If they see that we can be different and not agree on everything yet still love one another, then they, too, learn how to deal with their own differences and disagreements in life without letting it unnecessarily ruin their relationships. 
 
On the flip side of that, I also feel that it is extremely important for our children to see us be affectionate and respectful with each other.  We realize that we are teaching them to be ADULTS but sometimes forget that we are also "showing" them how to be spouses and parents.  We want them to grow up to have loving and happy relationships.  We have to show them how. 
 
Affection is tricky for some men.  They can get a little mixed up on just what "affection" really is.  As a general rule guys, you would never have "foreplay" in front of your children.  Affection can be anything from a look, a touch of your hand, kisses, or holding each other.  My favorite is when he comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me and kisses me on the neck.  There are several reasons for this.  One is that when a man wraps his arms around a woman from behind, it feels as if he is wrapping himself around her and she feels protected... safe.  Another is that the neck/throat area is the most vulnerable spot on the body.  Therefore, when you approach that area you are asking to be trusted.  If you are allowed, it means you ARE trusted.  It can be a very sensual act.  Also, it shows that you WANT physical contact with us to tell us how you feel.  And, guys....... you'll never realize just how big a payoff real affection can be until you give it on a regular basis.  Trust me, it's one of those "little things" that can turn into something huge for you.

Posted at 10:05 pm | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Nov. 9th, 2008

Waterfalls

mood: relaxed
I've been having a lot of dreams of my grandmother lately.  She was a truly wonderful woman.  All of my fondest memories as a child are with her.  I spent as much time as possible with my grandparents...... weekends, summers, and getaways throughout the year.  They loved traveling.  We would load up the camper and go camping or visit family in Georgia or Mississippi.  Sometimes, there was no destination...... we would just drive and stop wherever we found something interesting.  Those were my favorite trips.  My grandfather enjoyed driving and my grandmother and I enjoyed the ride..... pointing out old barns, horses, and funny signs to each other.  What excited us the most was when we'd spot water.  It didn't matter if it was the ocean, a river, a lake, stream, or rapids... it could even be just a simple fountain.

Our most traveled route was through the Smokey Mountains.  God, how beautiful!  We'd make my grandfather stop for every waterfall we found.  Some, we'd have to hike a mile or more back along the mountain to get to.  I remember asking my grandmother one day about how the water looked from the other side.  She took me by the hand and we worked our way over the slippery rocks to get behind the waterfall.  I have to say it was so peaceful and beautiful there... we were in our own magical world.  I was amazed by how powerful the water looked from the outside crashing down onto the rocks.  Yet, from the inside, looked softer and more calming.  Something so beautiful just HAD to be touched.  We never could find one where the water fell close enough to the rocks that we could reach out and touch it...... I guess I'm still looking.

I think many people are like waterfalls..... my grandfather especially.  He was rough and powerful on the outside, but so soft and forgiving on the inside.

Harley :D
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Posted at 01:06 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 26th, 2008

My Grandfather's Story

mood: contemplative
My grandfather used to tell the greatest stories.  Unfortunately, I've forgotten so many of them.  He used to tell of when he was a little boy growing up in Georgia, or when he was a medic in WWII or the Korean War.  He was a rabid baseball fan.  Atlanta Braves, of course was his favorite team, but he'd watch ANY game ANY time.  He could rattle off the stats of not only every player currently on roster for any team, but also of every great player of any era.

My favorite story, however, is one that he only told me once.  It was when I asked him how he and my grandmother met.  As he told it:

"She was a sweet little girl from Mississippi who grew up pickin' cotton on her daddy's farm with her 10 brothers and sisters.  I was a dirt poor boy from Georgia who quit school in the seventh grade to help with my family's farm.  That's just what you did back then.  I joined the Army and went to war when my country needed me because that's just what you did back then, too.  I was on leave in Tampa, Florida with some buddies and we walked into this little diner to get lunch.  This pretty, sweet little girl came over and asked me what I wanted.  I looked right into her eyes and I could see............ I could see my forever.  We got married a few weeks later.  We never wanted to spend a night apart.  That's just what you did back then."

I love this story.  They were inseparable for the over 40 years they were married.  I never once heard them argue.  They disagreed all the time, but I never heard it be anything other than a difference of opinion.  Isn't that how it's supposed to be?  They knew they were different and appreciated it.  It worked for them because they both believed.  They believed that marriage is sacred.  They believed vows were meant to be kept.  They believed that they were meant to work out any problems they had together, no matter what it took.  They believed that it was supposed to be "forever".  

Why don't people believe like that anymore?  Why does marriage seem to be something to do instead of a way to live and love?  So much these days it seems almost as if people treat it as a game or a way to pass the time if they're bored with their current situation.  Wouldn't it be great if we could all believe like that again?

Harley :D
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Posted at 12:18 am | | Leave a comment | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

Aug. 9th, 2008

Capturing Skeet Fansite

mood: excited
I'm very excited to be working with Kelly and Christy on the Capturing Skeet fansite.   I'm sure we'll have lots of help from all of our Skeet Sistas.   I can't wait to learn more about it and for Skeet to give us something new to focus on.  If I could say anything to him, it would be: 

"Thank you for bringing together such a wonderful group of people who have become true friends.  Through my love of Jericho and my appreciation of your work, I stumbled across an incredible fan forum at www.capturingskeet.com .  These dedicated fans of yours respect and care for each other as deeply as they do you.  In awe of the raw emotion and depth of reality that you bring to each of your characters, I can't wait to see what you share with us next.  Again, thank you for sparking the opportunity for me to find such amazing new friends."

Well......... I'd probably drool a lot as I said it, but you get the gist of it, right?  :-) 

Harley :D

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Posted at 01:48 am | | Leave a comment | 2 comments | Add to Memories | Tell a Friend

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